Q&A

Q: How much do I hate Katy Perry?

.

..

...

....

.....

......

.......

........

.........

..........

...........

............

...........

..........

.........

........

.......

......

.....

....

...

..

.

A: This much:

Sexism, Color-Coded!

While the boys have been busy recording drums in the sweltering Tower attic (pictures coming), I've been spending the week visiting my parents in Connecticut - AKA eating too much, reading the new Artemis Fowl book, and hanging out on the beach. In between naps, shopping, and stretches of "me time," I've managed to make progress on a project that has proven to become my life's work. Seriously, I spent the better part of three days thinking about this, guys. So, because I've never been one for delayed gratification, I'll bring this witty introductory paragraph to a close and introduce to you the Definitive Chart Illustrating Desirable Traits in Women (DCIDT, for short).



*I realize that all women are inherently crazy, but for all intents and purposes of this chart the "crazy" refers to any additional craziness that goes beyond basic female insanity.

1) Natalie Portman - it really isn't fair.
2) Jessica Alba - gorgeous, normal, but a terrible actress who doesn't have much to bring to a conversation. Guys don't really seem to mind, though.
3)Rachel Bilson - If I could look like any girl it would be her, hands down.
4) Jenny Lewis - pretty, talented, intelligent, but the fact that she's in a band with her ex boyfriend and was a child actress with a potentially-coke-addicted mom puts her on the crazy spectrum
5) Maggie Gyllenhaal - talented with obvious intelligence and creativity and she seems sane enough, but seriously lacking in the ass/boobs department with a face to match.
6) Naomi Campbell - absolutely stunning, but the only thing interesting about her is the fact that she is batshit crazy
7) Amy Winehouse - talented, definitely, but with a grab-bag of issues ranging from drug addiction to her horrific marriage and well, dear god that face.
8) That Overweight Middle-aged Lady Who Works at Your Uncle's Lumber Store and Goes to Cat Shows on the Weekend - men of America, one at a time, please

As for myself, after much deliberation I've decided that I am a blue, but the second I start getting groupies under the age of 40 I'm upgrading myself to a purple.

It is also important to note that it may be impossible to create the male version of this chart, simply because after 21 years of research and observation I have yet to figure out what the fuck it is that women actually want in a guy.

Anybody who wants to hang out can come to the Vetiver show at Valentine's Saturday night. If you have more ideas for the DCIDT, send an email or leave it in the comments. Posters, t-shirts, and pillowcases coming soon.

Things I Have Made With Food Found In My Kitchen at 3 A.M.: A Cookbook

I realize that Justin is the chef in the band, but that doesn't mean that I don't have some culinary skills of my own. Mine are just of a different variety. While Justin might know how to brulee something, or how an oven works, I am particularly talented at taking the meager, grab-bag assortment of food in my cupboards and creating somewhat edible concoctions. I decided that it is selfish of me to continue to keep these talents to myself, and have assembled a short - but growing! - recipe list for you equally meager and grab-bag blog readers to enjoy.

lemon-lime onion and chickpea salad

You Will Need:

-Onions
-One Can of Chickpeas
-One Lime
-Lemon Juice

1) Cut onion into big pieces and grill in saucepan. Cut lime into slices and squeeze juice into pan. Add water, cover, and steam onions until they are soft and clear (I think experts may call this caramelizing, but I'm not certain).

2) Use can opener to open chickpeas, drain. Put some of the chickpeas in a bowl. Leave the rest in the can on the counter all night so that they will be wasted by morning.

3) Add onions. Stir.

4) Add lemon juice to taste. Stir.

5) Enjoy. Leave dishes for another day.

Nutritional Value: Not bad


creamy mushroom-rice casserole

You Will Need:

-One Can Cream of Mushroom Soup
-Some milk, preferably skim, or water if the milk is no longer consumable
-White rice, instant

1) Boil the rice

2) At the same time, (this can get tricky), heat up milk and soup in a saucepan

3) When rice is ready, stir into soup

4) (Try to) Enjoy

Nutritional Value: Practically none


Guest Recipe: corn and white rice (courtesy of Joe Martinez)

You Will Need:

-One can of corn
-White Rice

1) Boil rice.

2) Stir in corn.

3) Repeat every night until payday.

Nutritional Value: Below average


three bean stew

You Will Need:

-One can green beans
-One can chickpeas
-One can red beans in sauce
-Onion

1) Slice onion and steam covered in pan until soft. Grill a bit with cooking spray first if needed. Set aside.

2) Heat up red beans in sauce in a saucepan.

3) Drain green beans and add to red beans. Stir while heating.

4) Add chickpeas and onions. Continue to heat and stir. Add some water if needed to keep thick consistency without burning.

Nutritional Value: Probably the best you'll get at 3 am when you haven't gone grocery shopping in 3 months

Next Step: Spandex

Seemingly unrelated anecdote #1: This past weekend was band hangout weekend, and the venue was Tulip Fest at Washington Park. Friday night, when the city of Albany decided to say 'fuck you' to Dutch people everywhere by burning down a giant windmill in the middle of the lake, we decided that we had to be there, if even just for the lolz. It was cool, I got to meet Dylan's son, and the weather was good. I also got to see Mitch ride a tiny bicycle. Clearly, this was the highlight of the night. He kept mumbling something about it being a trick bike, but the only trick I saw was him riding while on handlebars, and that was only after the 25th person asked him why he was riding a bike obviously made for children. Ian, who showed up too late to see The Burning of the Windmill, heard that Mitch was clown-biking it up, and decided to bring his own posse of guys-on-bikes (full-size bikes, though). Dylan and the fam left, leaving me bike-less with a group of biked individuals. Woe. My shins were not happy with me the next day for trying to keep up with 4 bikers while on a castle-quest wearing flip-flops (an entirely different story, one that will mostly likely - hopefully - never be told).

Seemingly unrelated anecdote #2: Craigslist, the same slightly-creepy marvel that brought together your third-favorite indie-folk-rock band, also has section where people sell bikes.

Okay, so the second one wasn't really an anecdote, and the two are obviously related, seeing as they both clearly discuss creepy things (Mitch on a tiny bike, craigslist). But, they are also related in that I am most likely getting a used bike today via Some Chick Off Craigslist. My old bike was stolen last year from behind my apartment, and I'm looking forward to having one again, especially after my lack of bike was made so glaringly obvious this past weekend.

Seemingly unrelated Google image search picture:



Seemingly unrelated anecdote #3: Ian likes to go on bicycle pub crawls with his friends.

Actually unrelated picture #1: