Sexism, Color-Coded!

While the boys have been busy recording drums in the sweltering Tower attic (pictures coming), I've been spending the week visiting my parents in Connecticut - AKA eating too much, reading the new Artemis Fowl book, and hanging out on the beach. In between naps, shopping, and stretches of "me time," I've managed to make progress on a project that has proven to become my life's work. Seriously, I spent the better part of three days thinking about this, guys. So, because I've never been one for delayed gratification, I'll bring this witty introductory paragraph to a close and introduce to you the Definitive Chart Illustrating Desirable Traits in Women (DCIDT, for short).



*I realize that all women are inherently crazy, but for all intents and purposes of this chart the "crazy" refers to any additional craziness that goes beyond basic female insanity.

1) Natalie Portman - it really isn't fair.
2) Jessica Alba - gorgeous, normal, but a terrible actress who doesn't have much to bring to a conversation. Guys don't really seem to mind, though.
3)Rachel Bilson - If I could look like any girl it would be her, hands down.
4) Jenny Lewis - pretty, talented, intelligent, but the fact that she's in a band with her ex boyfriend and was a child actress with a potentially-coke-addicted mom puts her on the crazy spectrum
5) Maggie Gyllenhaal - talented with obvious intelligence and creativity and she seems sane enough, but seriously lacking in the ass/boobs department with a face to match.
6) Naomi Campbell - absolutely stunning, but the only thing interesting about her is the fact that she is batshit crazy
7) Amy Winehouse - talented, definitely, but with a grab-bag of issues ranging from drug addiction to her horrific marriage and well, dear god that face.
8) That Overweight Middle-aged Lady Who Works at Your Uncle's Lumber Store and Goes to Cat Shows on the Weekend - men of America, one at a time, please

As for myself, after much deliberation I've decided that I am a blue, but the second I start getting groupies under the age of 40 I'm upgrading myself to a purple.

It is also important to note that it may be impossible to create the male version of this chart, simply because after 21 years of research and observation I have yet to figure out what the fuck it is that women actually want in a guy.

Anybody who wants to hang out can come to the Vetiver show at Valentine's Saturday night. If you have more ideas for the DCIDT, send an email or leave it in the comments. Posters, t-shirts, and pillowcases coming soon.